I have suffered with anxiety, panic attacks and depression since my early teens. I was bullied at school on a regular basis because of my weight. My parents had huge expectations of me because my two older sisters were very academic. I never fulfilled their expectations of me. I never felt good enough. I left school as soon as I could and found a job working as a care assistant in a home for the elderly.
I met my husband while I was working there. I got pregnant within 6 months of meeting him. I was 19 years old then. I had my second child 2 years later. My husband worked away from home so I felt overwhelmed, lost and alone. My family couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy. Shortly after the birth of my second child I suffered severe depression. I had episodes of panic that were so bad I felt frozen on the spot. At times I couldn’t move with fear.
One day I left my two children with my mother who lived about 20 miles away. I went home and took an overdose of pills that my doctor had prescribed for my depression. I didn’t want to kill myself but I couldn’t see how I could be of any use to anyone. I felt so low, so helpless and useless to my 2 children. My neighbour found me shortly after I took the overdose, as I was supposed to go shopping with her. I spent a few days in hospital. My husband was saddened, shocked and annoyed. He told me I needed to pull myself together for the sake of the children.
I went for counselling and started a new regime of medication. The medication seemed to help a little but I felt drowsy and dopy most of the time. I had also gained a lot of weight over the past few years which didn’t help with my self esteem.
I felt my life was falling apart. It all came to a head one day when I was taking the baby’s pushchair out of the car; I slipped on the icy footpath and broke my leg in two places. I was back in the hospital once again. I returned home with a cast on my leg. I really had a problem now. I couldn’t drive, I couldn’t walk without crutches. My husband had to take time off from work to look after me and the children. It was a time of discomfort, helplessness, hopelessness and physical and emotional pain.
It was also a time of reflection for me. I couldn’t run away from my issues. I learned how to ask for help from family, friends and neighbours. I had time to reflect and think about where some of my problems may have originated. I remembered clearly being criticised at school for my lack of abilities. I wasn’t good at sport. I wasn’t good at music. I wasn’t good at maths, in fact I couldn’t remember what I was good at. I liked P.E. but I wasn’t good at it. I felt too fat, too tall and too awkward, so rather than the embarrassment of trying I would pretend I was sick so I didn’t have to participate. I never seemed to fit in anywhere or with anyone. I believed my husband loved me but I felt he had difficulty at times coping with my moods and erratic behaviour. All of this went round and around in my head.
I spent a lot of time sitting down so I had a lot of time on my hands. I never really learned how to use a computer so I started practising on my husband’s computer. One day I tapped in ‘anxiety and depression’. This site came up on the screen. I was amazed. It was a training centre for Bio-Energy therapy, Sound Healing therapy, and more. I read all I could on this Bio-Energy therapy. It all made so much sense to me. I realised then that there wasn’t actually anything wrong with me. My reaction to life’s experiences had been affecting me all my life. It wasn’t really me – the person I am that was the problem.
I had never really learned coping skills for life’s events and traumas and I had never learned to accept myself as I am. I decided in the midst of all the chaos that was happening inside and around me that I was going to attend for this bio-energy therapy. I booked in for 5 sessions. My husband who was at his wits end at this stage agreed to take me to the bio-energy therapy centre. I wasn’t promised any miraculous changes by the therapist but bit by bit I learned to let go of old belief systems and old conditioning. The bio-energy therapist explained that no therapy would change what has happened in my life but by decreasing the intensity of some traumatic events in my life, I may be able to move on with my life and learn new coping mechanisms. When all the layers of conditioning were peeled away and discarded I found the being that is me that had been buried for years. I have learned that I can accept myself, and for me that is a massive achievement.